"What. The. Fuck. Why won't this weight come off!!!" I stand every morning on the scale, counting the miniscule percentages that seem to fluctuate back and forth in a teasing manner as if to give me false hope then rip it away when I go up a half pound after I just went down a quarter.
I've been thin my whole life so the weight I gained (over 50 pounds) during my pregnancy with my daughter Mara Rain has been traumatic for me. Yes, I said it. I'm spoiled, used to being thin, used to having pounds drop off by just skipping one meal here or there, and now I'm stuck in this frustrating stagnation of not-being-thin-anymore.
Then I stop and think about what exactly transpired to get me to this point to begin with. My body did a job, it made another human. It. Made. A. Whole. Person. Isn't my body entitled to take a break and do what it wants to for a time, easing itself back to it's pre-pregnancy proportions when it's good and ready? And even if it doesn't get back to its prime form, what about it? I made a baby; I now have this amazing little person thanks to my body, and so what if it's not "the same" as it used to be, now it's this body that created life. Before it was just a skinny, shapely form that had never done anything of note. Form but not function. This body I have now, it's proven to be highly functional, and morphed in form in the process to perform that function.
So I try to be patient, easing back into working out (I just ordered the UFC Fit program by Mike Dolce and I am super stoked about that), reevaluating my diet and getting back into vegetarian-mostly-veganism (yes, I lapsed big time while I was preggers), and letting my body have time to itself again. After all, it was taken over by another being for 9 months, only to regain it's autonomy a mere 7 weeks ago.
And I try to love my body, myself. Try not to hate the person I see in the mirror because it doesn't conform to my old identity. Motherhood isn't just a mental state you must enter into, it is a physical form. And that's what I see when I look in the mirror now. A mother. Of course I'm different.
My goal is to lose 40 pounds - which would mean getting back to my old weight. It's a lot to ask for, but I know my body is up for the challenge. It's alive and well and ready to roll. But in the meantime, I'm going to be kind to it. I'm going to love what it's done for me - it's made me a mother, and given me a whole new life: I've been able to reclaim my life through my daughter, in a sense creating two new lives, not just one. It's not just about physical changes, it's about spiritual and perceptual change. I'm not my body, but my body could not exist without the ME essence, an essence which is blossoming with a new identity.
As I struggle to regain my pre-baby body, I send love out to other mothers who may be having a hard time with body image as well after birth. We've done something amazing and we deserve to love ourselves in return for it.
I'll be posting updates on my work out and dieting drama (because with me, everything is always dramatic) and surely more woes and whines along the way. If other mamas are struggling with weight loss after baby, I hope you comment and perhaps we can shuffle along together, while sending love and light to each other as well as loving ourselves. Can this time of re-emergence be a time of bliss instead of blues? Let's see what we can do.