Good Vibrations

Not much time, I am trying to catch up on some work, but I had to give an update about my little manifesting exercise from earlier this week.

For my computer, a friend said she would ask someone about fixing my broken one (which is what I wanted above getting a brand new one because of all the important files on it). So while I don't have a working desktop YET, as far as I am concerned, it's up and running already.

And for the living situation, where to go, etc. - something really interesting happened this morning. I realized I had a note from my ex landlord telling me he'd love to give me a recommendation next time I needed to rent a place. This came along with the check for my security deposit which was a nice, fat $1245.43!!!! Then on the drive into work this morning, as I chanted Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha - to Ganesh, remover of obstacles - I had a completely new thought come into my head, that I should move to Collingswood NJ. My company has an office in the same area. Perhaps a transfer? If not, it is 15 minutes outside of Philly. A new job, perhaps? To top it off, I got further intuition telling me that even if it initially feels painful, to let go of the concept of my dog training business, and focus fully on my nonprofit organization. I feel so good and RIGHT about this and excited about having a new focus. Baby steps, baby steps, but every day moving forward.

Just one final thought to throw out to you all - I was listening to a snippet on YouTube from Esther Hicks channeling Abraham. I'm listening and going "mm hmm, ok, yeah, whatever", and then it hit me like a ton of bricks - I'll paraphrase:

We vibrate at the wrong level - we vibrate at the level of want instead of at the level of have. So that lower vibration keeps what we want away. And why do we WANT things to begin with? To make us feel good. How can we feel good? We can change our emotions - yes, changing them is in our power at ANY and ALL times. Change your emotions to feel better, to feel as if you already have that thing you think you want/need to make you feel better but don't have because you feel bad about NOT having it. Change your emotions to the higher level - of feeling good, happy, bountiful - because that is what you want most above all - to FEEL GOOD. Once you feel GOOD, like you already have what you want, what you want comes to you because you are vibrating at the level of already having it.

Amazing. I'm carrying that with me today and trying to maintain - no, maintaining - a higher vibrational level by exercising my RIGHT TO FEEL GOOD.

Practices in Manifesting

I'm currently reading a book called E-Squared, 9 Do It Yourself Energy Experiments that Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality. I have dibbled and dabbled in manifesting work, a la The Secret which initially blew my mind, then the excitement gradually fizzled away as my life started circling the drain and my pessimism grew and grew. Right now my optimism for life is at ZERO and I'm starting to believe the Universe has it out for me - except, I know for a fact that I am creating my own reality right now. I feel it in my soul that my mindset is my undoing. The problem is......I can't get unstuck.

I'm reading and reading and getting more frustrated and bored with every promise by some new age guru that I come across. And I can't get unstuck. My mind is running non stop anti-Mary propaganda day in and day out. It's like self sabotage at it's worse. I'm chasing people and things away, and it's like I'm doing everything in my power to welcome the worst. I'm sad and miserable and I hate my life and I am making sure to tell myself that multiple times a day.

It hurts. I'm hurting. And I don't know how to get out of it. So I'm trying an experiment. I'm asking - no TELLING - the Universe to prove that it's there listening, and to manifest what I am now asking.

The first is this - Universe, you have 48 hours to give me a working desktop computer. Thanks so much, I love my new computer.

Second, I need an answer to this question: Inner guidance, can Marc and I find a new place to live that we love very soon and can you help us find that place? Thanks! We are so happy in our new, beautiful home and it feels so right for us!

I will report back in 48 hours with the results which will be positive! I can't wait!

Dharma & Return to Wholeness

According to About Dharma.org, “Dharma” means “protection”. By practicing Buddha’s teachings we protect our self from suffering and problems. All the problems we experience during daily life originate in ignorance, and the method for eliminating ignorance is to practice Dharma.

That seems to say a lot and nothing specifically. But here's what I get out of the concept of Dharma. To align with your Dharma - your higher self on the perfect path - you must live your truth. Stop fighting against your soul and the flow of the Universe (which is always present and there to protect and serve if you let it) and to get into the Stream of Life (that's Life with a capital L, the true Life we are each meant to live and fully embody, not the life we often find ourselves stuck in that bogs us down, zaps our energy and makes us sick and miserable). You must live a life of Ahimsa (non-harm), to both yourself and all other beings, and bask daily in the glow of Buddha-the Universe-God.

A big part of Dharma is the teaching that we should put others above ourselves, to stop self serving nonsense and to embrace others as ourselves. For me, I view this concept as to consider yourself a part of the whole, to remember how we - all life - are connected; what we do to others we do to ourselves. So it's not so much about not caring for yourself and always putting others first - individually we are each part of the whole, that "whole" that we should love, care for, and protect. By loving, caring for, and treating with kindness all others (whether, human, animal or plant - the very Earth Herself) we are by default also treating ourselves in such a way.

I don't think I've been living my Dharma very well the past 10 years or so. I've treated both myself and others poorly. I've lost myself somewhere along the way and much of what and who I've cared about and loved so deeply. A dark cloud has descended on me and I've stepped out of the flow of the Universe and got stuck in the muck and mire of this self-created personal reality that I'm very unhappy with. Instead of seeing any beauty in the world, I see only darkness and sadness. My physical health has declined and my mental state is poor. I'm so very tired and sad. My life has been a series of one step forwards and 100 steps back. I am fractured, a million pieces broken apart and flying through space, disconnected and uninspired. So here I am, one last time, trying a new way.

This blog is going to be my chronicle of the next year in which I attempt to get back to living Dharma and manifest the life I truly want. Once and for all. So here I lay out all I want and intend to - WILL - manifest over the course of the next year.

A home with my husband and daughter where we are safe and comfortable and secure.

Physical health and fitness, and regain my pre-baby body - in fact a body that's better than ever.

A job I love that provides financial security.

A Pit Bull (AmStaff)

A yoga practice.

Financial wellness and paid-off bills and debts.

A strong spiritual practice and reconnection with God/Universe.

And so it begins. Starting right now, my life is changed.

Here's me, no makeup, hair still wet, first thing in the morning at the office. It was so difficult for me to even smile. But I wanted a snap shot of me to capture the moment I started over and begin to manifest a new life as I walk the dharma path.

Yoga

I'm slowly easing back into a yoga practice, keeping it short and gentle for the time being and most importantly remember to breeeeeaaaaaaaathe.

What I must remind myself is that I am reinventing every day, and becoming a mother this past year and adjusting to that lifestyle change was a huge process of awakening to a new self all on it's own. But it has been trying and I've lost part of my old self in the process - the part that once was able to retreat, shut down, escape and be totally selfish - and that is scary. That feeling of not having an escape into my head anymore because I have a little person totally dependent on me and demanding my every waking moment's attention. The part of me that used to rebuild and restart by retreating hasn't gotten the much needed break in a very long time. So I feel shut off and dull, just going through the motions as I try to adjust to the New & Exciting World of Motherhood - mother, my new self and identity.

Here is where yoga comes in. When I first started practicing yoga about 15 years ago, I had been prompted by a very bad breakup that felt impossible to ever get over. I immersed myself in yoga and the transformative, healing power overtook me. I've practiced off and on ever since. Still, it has been a while since I've immersed myself in a daily practice, lived yoga, as opposed to just randomly doing poses here and there. There has been nothing so healing and forward-moving as a good yoga practice in my life and here is where I aim to start the forward momentum into a transformative, gratitude-filled future for myself and my daughter.

My two favorite yoga instructors are Shiva Rea, whose book Tending the Heart Fire was recently released and is currently on my Kindle reading list, and Rainbeau Mars. Check them out for some truly transforming yoga and life practices.

Post-Baby Body Blues (Bliss?)

"What. The. Fuck. Why won't this weight come off!!!" I stand every morning on the scale, counting the miniscule percentages that seem to fluctuate back and forth in a teasing manner as if to give me false hope then rip it away when I go up a half pound after I just went down a quarter.

I've been thin my whole life so the weight I gained (over 50 pounds) during my pregnancy with my daughter Mara Rain has been traumatic for me. Yes, I said it. I'm spoiled, used to being thin, used to having pounds drop off by just skipping one meal here or there, and now I'm stuck in this frustrating stagnation of not-being-thin-anymore.

Then I stop and think about what exactly transpired to get me to this point to begin with. My body did a job, it made another human. It. Made. A. Whole. Person. Isn't my body entitled to take a break and do what it wants to for a time, easing itself back to it's pre-pregnancy proportions when it's good and ready? And even if it doesn't get back to its prime form, what about it? I made a baby; I now have this amazing little person thanks to my body, and so what if it's not "the same" as it used to be, now it's this body that created life. Before it was just a skinny, shapely form that had never done anything of note. Form but not function. This body I have now, it's proven to be highly functional, and morphed in form in the process to perform that function.

So I try to be patient, easing back into working out (I just ordered the UFC Fit program by Mike Dolce and I am super stoked about that), reevaluating my diet and getting back into vegetarian-mostly-veganism (yes, I lapsed big time while I was preggers), and letting my body have time to itself again. After all, it was taken over by another being for 9 months, only to regain it's autonomy a mere 7 weeks ago.

And I try to love my body, myself. Try not to hate the person I see in the mirror because it doesn't conform to my old identity. Motherhood isn't just a mental state you must enter into, it is a physical form. And that's what I see when I look in the mirror now. A mother. Of course I'm different.

My goal is to lose 40 pounds - which would mean getting back to my old weight. It's a lot to ask for, but I know my body is up for the challenge. It's alive and well and ready to roll. But in the meantime, I'm going to be kind to it. I'm going to love what it's done for me - it's made me a mother, and given me a whole new life: I've been able to reclaim my life through my daughter, in a sense creating two new lives, not just one. It's not just about physical changes, it's about spiritual and perceptual change. I'm not my body, but my body could not exist without the ME essence, an essence which is blossoming with a new identity.

As I struggle to regain my pre-baby body, I send love out to other mothers who may be having a hard time with body image as well after birth. We've done something amazing and we deserve to love ourselves in return for it.

I'll be posting updates on my work out and dieting drama (because with me, everything is always dramatic) and surely more woes and whines along the way. If other mamas are struggling with weight loss after baby, I hope you comment and perhaps we can shuffle along together, while sending love and light to each other as well as loving ourselves. Can this time of re-emergence be a time of bliss instead of blues? Let's see what we can do.

My opinion only - your mileage may vary.

Everyone loves to tell you how you "can't" do this, or that. Or how such-and-such is going to be "sooooooooo hard" or you will have to make "a ton of sacrifices to make that work". Ok. Well, maybe that's true. Or maybe that's just YOUR reality. And not mine. The truth is, we can only give opinions on that which we've learned from personal experience or heard about second hand, or read about or watched a TV show on. But none of those experiences are necessarily going to translate into usable material for MY life. And the question remains, are opinions reality? Of course not. They are supposedly-educated guesses.

The opinions of my friends and family mean the world to me. I go to my best friends and close family for their advice and thoughts all the time. A select few people in this world have the ability to shake the ground I thought I stood firm on, with merely one sentence uttered. It's a blessing to have people you value so highly in your life, but it can be a stumbling block in building faith in yourself and your ability to make decisions that flow against the grain. If I have a firm idea in my mind about something I want to do, and someone comes along and says, "You can't do that, and here's why", I should be able to recognize truth but I should also be able to sort out what's merely that person's own reality, seperate and completely different from my own.

My own path has always been one of needing to learn by doing. If I have it in my head that I can do something, I'm going to do it. If I don't do something, it's because I truly recognized an inability in myself, at least at that moment, or I didn't really want what I thought I wanted afterall. When I really want something, I've always made it happen for myself.

My own advice, my opinions are important, no more important than yours or anyone else's. But opinions do not always transfer from one person's life onto another's. Your life and your life's experiences are your own, and mine are mine. Let's remember that as we each walk our own paths.